01 September 2010

T minus 13 days

I feel like I have a lot of grit n' grub to dish out, so please excuse me if this post is long and/or sporadic (that's a nice way of saying boring and confusing). There is a lot to update about, but really I just feel a need to write, it's been too long since I've expressed myself this way.

Yesterday marked the date of 2 weeks before my departure to Spain, and with it came the restless, preoccupied nights without sleep. I sure hope that doesn't continue until I leave. I hate laying awake at night thinking about papers I need to copy, emails I need to send and clothes I need to pack...it's just a waste of energy. The good news about Spain is that I got my visa in the mail yesterday, finally! What a relief after all of the hassle and sending papers back and forth to Denver. It's now done and I will officially be living in Spain for 10 months!
Now that it's down to the last couple weeks before I leave, my nerves are starting to rattle and even though I'm excited to leave and start something new, I'm also scared. Nervous. Anxious. It's all a mesh of emotions that's wrapped around my head so tightly I can barely see straight.

Last week I went to Durango to help Vanessa move in and see friends. It was a wonderful trip, way too wonderful... I waited all summer for that week in Durango and my last chance to see Jerard and I was not disappointed in any way because it was great. It was lazy and the weather was perfect and it reminded me why I love Durango. It's a place that reminds of everything beautiful in my life, the sunsets, blue skies, the river and those are just the beauties that nature provides... the people are better than the best. We all floated the river and partied together, it was just a wholesome dose of summer. I got to see Melissa for an afternoon, the first time we've been together since last June, a MUCH needed reunion. Leaving Durango was and has been difficult...easier than it was in May because my head is more level and set on going to Spain, but saying goodbye to Jerard and Vanessa was hard. Now that I'm back at home, the last week feels like it was all a dream. Life feels like a daze, like it's not real and not right... this morning the first thing I noticed was that that sun is already starting to wake up later that I do. I was only away from home for a week, but I guess I've never noticed before because normally I would be back at school already... It's weird cause everyone is starting classes, doing the college student thing and I'm back at home, still working and not a part of the FLC life.

So on top of my stress about leaving the country, I've been sad and emotional about leaving people I care about....the one's I've already said goodbye to and the one's that await farewell. I know it's not forever and goodbyes are not permanent, but the Atlantic seems so large and everyone will be different when I get back...including me. The hard part about saying goodbye to friends is that many of them will graduate while I'm gone and probably move in with their lives, so this could be goodbye for a long time. I know I will keep in touch, but saying goodbye to people I love has never been easy for me.

Like I said earlier, I feel like I'm living in a dream world, I heard the song "Just a Dream" by Nelly on the radio this morning and it struck me in a familiar way. One because nothing seems quite right or quite real and like I will wake up any minute. Two, the song is obviously about missing someone and losing someone you care about and I'm definitely struggling with that.

I don't like having a jumble of emotions and a cloudy mind, it makes me feel like I'm not giving my best to the people in my life because I'm so wrapped up in what is going on in my head. It's like I'm a little kid again, who thinks the world revolves around them and takes more than they give...

What a strange note to end on, but I think that's all for now!

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